Men and women agree on this (usually): If you have a sexual or romantic relationship with someone of the opposite sex, it’s cheating. But what constitutes a sexual or romantic relationship? Surely having sex with someone else is cheating. But what about working late at night with a coworker who massages your aching back? Is that a sexual gesture? Or a romantic one? Is it cheating?

When you interject the Internet, there is a whole range of questions that men and women might answer differently. For example, if a man looks at porn, is that cheating? What if he watches it so much that it takes valuable time away from time he could be with his wife? What if he masturbates? What if he does it while thinking about someone else? What if he develops an intimate relationship with someone on Facebook?

Men v Women

Men and women often respond differently to these questions. Women value intimacy in a relationship and often perceive acts that men consider harmless as a betrayal. Studies show that women are generally more likely to find intimacy more important than men. They are also more likely to characterize something as cheating than men, like watching porn. And men are often likely to think those women are unreasonable.

So What Is Cheating?

It’s increasingly difficult to specify certain acts as infidelity, but here is the heart of the matter: When you violate your partner’s trust, then you have been unfaithful. The most upsetting aspect to many people of either gender is when intimacy is shared outside your marriage or partnership. You probably know in your heart that the late-night backrub at the office would upset your partner.

If you have to cover it up or if you deliberately avoid mentioning it, then you’ve broken trust. You’ve been intimate with someone else, and now you have to lie about it or commit the sin of omission—not telling your partner about it. That’s cheating.

Preventive Measures

You can avoid some problems by discussing what you both find acceptable behavior. Come to an agreement about your own personal definition of cheating as a couple. Sometimes the actual sex isn’t as much of a problem as the deception required to cover it up. That results in the loss of trust, which has a corrosive effect on relationships.

About Author: Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

The Peter Pan Syndrome:

Men who never grow up. You know the type. They get their own way, and if they don’t they sulk. Or even worse, throw a tantrum like a three-year-old. They manage to avoid responsibility and are usually charming about it.

That’s the problem. The adorable boyishness. The entrancing free spirit. These Peter Pan men are so endearing until you live with them. And then suddenly you’re the one doing the heavy lifting in the relationship. Because he won’t take responsibility for anything unless he already wanted to in the first place.

How come he never grew up?

Usually it’s a combination of factors that retards maturity in a man. Maybe he had hovering parents who did everything for him. They didn’t want him to make a mistake so they didn’t allow him to develop on his own. Maybe mom needed someone to dote on to fill her own needs and so never let him have a tough day in his life. And then there’s the long delay in being independent as he went through college, and then grad school and even further. Plus the bad economy that made him, like many adult children, rely even longer on his parents.

How do you know he’s emotionally stunted?

Just because a man is sometimes thoughtless doesn’t mean he’s immature. We’re all thoughtless on occasion. But when he puts his own needs before all others, it’s a sign. When he deliberately chooses to ignore paying the bills or other abdications of his responsibilities, that’s another sign. When he feeds his own ego with a fast car or high living that he can’t afford, it’s another. So is inappropriate behavior like sulking or tantrums. Blaming others for his woes. Refusing to accept reality. And he’s oh, so sensitive when you have hurt him but he’s a bull in a china shop with others.

How do you cope?

When you see a tantrum coming do you step in and try to distract him? Calm him down? Try to soothe him? Do you tiptoe around his feelings for fear he’ll explode like a toddler when he doesn’t get his way? Do you dread the times when you’re busy at work so you don’t have enough time and energy to give him all the attention he needs? Have you given up asking him to help with chores—or anything—that he doesn’t want to do? Do you routinely have to coax him out of a bad mood or a big sulk?

Can you make it better?

The trouble is, unless he wants to change, you can’t change him. But you can change the way you react to him. You can refuse to be his parent. You can refuse to enable his bad behavior. Once you realize you are living with Peter Pan, you must ask yourself if you want to continue living like this. If not, you need to try and disengage.

Step back and let him have his tantrums without intervening. Stop trying to manage his feelings. Stop paying the bills for him. Or making excuses for him. Have a frank talk with him and let him know you are no longer going to be the sole responsible party in your relationship. Let him experience the consequences of his behavior. This is the hardest thing to do, but don’t cave in. Or else your Peter Pan will surely continue to be a lost boy.

About The Author: Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.