Saving your marriage doesn’t require long-term treatment

What brought you here were tiny fissures in your relationship that gradually spread into cracks. They formed so subtly, grew so slowly that they were almost imperceptible. But they’re obvious now. You haven’t had a comfortable conversation in weeks, haven’t had sex in months.

Nothing, however, says that the road to recovery needs to be as long and winding. As a professional marriage counselor with over 11 years in private practice, Angela Winslow has developed a concentrated form of therapy she calls One-Session Counseling, or a Couples Intensive, in which the treatment unfolds over a single, three-hour session, rather than multiple, weekly meetings. One-Session Counseling is not an abbreviated version of the conventional marriage-counseling model. Because of its duration, it can be even more comprehensive in its examination and analysis, yielding, in turn, more dramatic shifts in behavior.

Virtually every conceivable issue a couple could encounter—building trust after an affair, increasing intimacy in a relationship, even coping with a separation or a divorce—is appropriate for One-Session Counseling. Urgency has a way of distilling concerns, however deeply rooted. You’ll confront them head-on and emerge, three hours later, armed with the necessary tools to continue restoring your relationship.

One-Session Counseling isn’t reserved for marriages in dire straits. It’s also a convenient option for couples who’ve become strangers to each other. Life can be relentless, and all too often we’re willing to sacrifice the personal connections in the name of the immediate tasks because they’re easier to cope with. But the excuses we tell ourselves lose their validity in light of a single, three-hour commitment.

Regardless of your reasons and the intricacy of your concerns, consider One-Session Counseling. Rather, consider who you’ll be when you exit that room, the frustration and insecurity left behind.

About Author: Angela Winslow specializes in marriage counseling and couples therapy in San Diego. Affairs, infidelity, communication skills, sex therapy and parenting are areas of expertise. 619-327-9791

Men and women agree on this (usually): If you have a sexual or romantic relationship with someone of the opposite sex, it’s cheating. But what constitutes a sexual or romantic relationship? Surely having sex with someone else is cheating. But what about working late at night with a coworker who massages your aching back? Is that a sexual gesture? Or a romantic one? Is it cheating?

When you interject the Internet, there is a whole range of questions that men and women might answer differently. For example, if a man looks at porn, is that cheating? What if he watches it so much that it takes valuable time away from time he could be with his wife? What if he masturbates? What if he does it while thinking about someone else? What if he develops an intimate relationship with someone on Facebook?

Men v Women

Men and women often respond differently to these questions. Women value intimacy in a relationship and often perceive acts that men consider harmless as a betrayal. Studies show that women are generally more likely to find intimacy more important than men. They are also more likely to characterize something as cheating than men, like watching porn. And men are often likely to think those women are unreasonable.

So What Is Cheating?

It’s increasingly difficult to specify certain acts as infidelity, but here is the heart of the matter: When you violate your partner’s trust, then you have been unfaithful. The most upsetting aspect to many people of either gender is when intimacy is shared outside your marriage or partnership. You probably know in your heart that the late-night backrub at the office would upset your partner.

If you have to cover it up or if you deliberately avoid mentioning it, then you’ve broken trust. You’ve been intimate with someone else, and now you have to lie about it or commit the sin of omission—not telling your partner about it. That’s cheating.

Preventive Measures

You can avoid some problems by discussing what you both find acceptable behavior. Come to an agreement about your own personal definition of cheating as a couple. Sometimes the actual sex isn’t as much of a problem as the deception required to cover it up. That results in the loss of trust, which has a corrosive effect on relationships.

About Author: Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

The Peter Pan Syndrome:

Men who never grow up. You know the type. They get their own way, and if they don’t they sulk. Or even worse, throw a tantrum like a three-year-old. They manage to avoid responsibility and are usually charming about it.

That’s the problem. The adorable boyishness. The entrancing free spirit. These Peter Pan men are so endearing until you live with them. And then suddenly you’re the one doing the heavy lifting in the relationship. Because he won’t take responsibility for anything unless he already wanted to in the first place.

How come he never grew up?

Usually it’s a combination of factors that retards maturity in a man. Maybe he had hovering parents who did everything for him. They didn’t want him to make a mistake so they didn’t allow him to develop on his own. Maybe mom needed someone to dote on to fill her own needs and so never let him have a tough day in his life. And then there’s the long delay in being independent as he went through college, and then grad school and even further. Plus the bad economy that made him, like many adult children, rely even longer on his parents.

How do you know he’s emotionally stunted?

Just because a man is sometimes thoughtless doesn’t mean he’s immature. We’re all thoughtless on occasion. But when he puts his own needs before all others, it’s a sign. When he deliberately chooses to ignore paying the bills or other abdications of his responsibilities, that’s another sign. When he feeds his own ego with a fast car or high living that he can’t afford, it’s another. So is inappropriate behavior like sulking or tantrums. Blaming others for his woes. Refusing to accept reality. And he’s oh, so sensitive when you have hurt him but he’s a bull in a china shop with others.

How do you cope?

When you see a tantrum coming do you step in and try to distract him? Calm him down? Try to soothe him? Do you tiptoe around his feelings for fear he’ll explode like a toddler when he doesn’t get his way? Do you dread the times when you’re busy at work so you don’t have enough time and energy to give him all the attention he needs? Have you given up asking him to help with chores—or anything—that he doesn’t want to do? Do you routinely have to coax him out of a bad mood or a big sulk?

Can you make it better?

The trouble is, unless he wants to change, you can’t change him. But you can change the way you react to him. You can refuse to be his parent. You can refuse to enable his bad behavior. Once you realize you are living with Peter Pan, you must ask yourself if you want to continue living like this. If not, you need to try and disengage.

Step back and let him have his tantrums without intervening. Stop trying to manage his feelings. Stop paying the bills for him. Or making excuses for him. Have a frank talk with him and let him know you are no longer going to be the sole responsible party in your relationship. Let him experience the consequences of his behavior. This is the hardest thing to do, but don’t cave in. Or else your Peter Pan will surely continue to be a lost boy.

About The Author: Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

11 Signs That You Are  In A Codependence Relationship

The word co-dependence was first used in the 70s to describe the pattern of coping behavior in the partner or family member of an alcoholic. I like Melodie Beattie’s simple definition:   “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling or manipulating that person’s behavior or feelings.” Melodie Beattie from Codependent No More

In relationships where there is no issue with substances, co-dependence occurs and always becomes a source of confusion & guilt because of blurred boundaries.

Can you relate to having any of these codependent behaviors?

• think and feel responsible for other people – their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being or lack of well-being.
• feel compelled to help a person with a problem such as offering advice, suggestions or changing their feelings.
• Find yourself saying yes when you mean no
• feel sad because you believe you spend your life giving to others, and nobody gives to you
• believe deep inside that other people are somehow responsible for you
• think and talk a lot about other people
• have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing sorrow and disappointment
• become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally, with natural consequences
• think you know best how things should turn out and how people should behave
• try to control others through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice giving, manipulation and domination
• look to relationships to provide all your good feelings

These traits/behaviors show up often in therapy and are at the root of many confusing conflicts that people have. Statements like “he makes me feel guilty” and expectations of what the partner needs to do to make them happy indicate a quagmire of co-dependence that needs to be explored.

No one can make us feel guilty without our permission and behavioral prescriptions demanding change from others are not ways to improve any relationship. Clearly seeing what is and what is not our responsibility or within our control relieves stress and frees us from the trap of guilt at taking over-responsibility for others and their feelings. It also saves frustration when others do not comply with our demands. I’m not sure where it came from but I like the visual of the statement: What’s in my hula hoop?

About the Author: Angela Winslow specializes in marriage counseling and couples therapy in San Diego. Affairs, infidelity, communication skills, sex therapy and parenting are areas of expertise.

Believe It Or Not: Planning a Wedding Can Be a Lonely Time

The summer is wedding season. If you’re not attending one over the next few weekends, you’re probably planning one of your own. With so much ceremony and meaning packed into those 24 hours, weddings have a way of intensifying emotions—love and gratitude, naturally, but also anxiety, frustration and even fear. Faced with the growing awareness that you’re about to pledge a lifelong commitment to your partner, seemingly innocuous concerns suddenly begin to metastasize. Long-repressed traumatic episodes creep back toward the edges of your consciousness. In the run up to what should feel like one of the happiest days of your life, it can feel like you’re beginning to unravel.

No relationship is without its flaws and imbalances, and you’re going to feel them more keenly at certain times than at others. That said, you shouldn’t simply take a deep breath and shrug them off, especially if you’re sitting there on the eve of your wedding day worrying about how to avoid divorce.

Couples therapy can refresh your perspective by identifying each partner’s role within the unhealthy patterns that are gradually undermining your relationship. If you’re new to it, here’s a basic idea of what to expect in couples counseling. We’ll create a safe place in which you and your partner can begin expressing your feelings honestly and without fear of reproach. It’s in those vulnerable but protected moments that we’ll develop a better understanding of your partner’s perspective and, together, trace your concerns to their root. From there, we’ll rebuild your relationship by practicing new communication skills that’ll fortify your bond as a couple without sacrificing your individual identities.

Those concerns that are gnawing at you now, if left unacknowledged and untended to, are likely to only weigh heavier on you with exchange of vows and the passage of time. Trust problems in a relationship, for one, will eventually undermine your every thought and action. Intimacy will fade. Arguments will increase. The weight of the moment may be compounding your concerns, but they are valid. And you’re not alone.

Author: Angela Winslow specializes in marriage counseling and couples therapy in San Diego. Affairs, infidelity, communication skills, sex therapy and parenting are areas of expertise.

You want to understand how the man in your life is feeling—but, oh wait! Men don’t have feelings. Or do they? Just because they don’t show their feelings, doesn’t mean they’re not there. But many men have been taught to suck it up, muscle through, never cry. So they learn, sometimes too well, not to express their feelings. In fact, they may even repress their feelings to the point that they might believe the myth themselves.

Making Feelings Socially Acceptable

Since men are taught not to show feelings, especially those feelings associated with women, they have to find something to do with their emotions. They have to find a way to channel those feelings into something more socially acceptable. And in our society, feeling hurt, vulnerable, betrayed and sad are things women typically feel. And women aren’t afraid to share.

But when was the last time you heard a man say, “You hurt me,” or “I’m feeling vulnerable.” Instead of expressing their true emotions, many men convert them to something they consider more manly, like anger or rage or pride. And since these aren’t really representative of how they feel, men can leave others scratching their heads, wondering why the guy’s so mad.

Finding Affection at the Baseball Field

Since affection may seem like another feminine emotion, how can men express it? Some find the baseball field or the hockey rink or the basketball court a safe outlet for their ebullience. I have a friend who calls his grown sons while watching football on television. It’s his touchstone to his children and a way for him to show affection while remaining within the parameters of an “acceptable” expression of love.

Go to any sports event and you’ll see a virtual outpouring of affection—sometimes intense—when the home team is doing well. Hugs and chest bumps. The players themselves give each other a pat on the butt. Sometimes even with a little tenderness. The sports arena is where they can express their love openly. So the feelings do exist. They’ve just been designated to certain times and places.

Being Wary of Emotional Expression

Many women encourage their men to talk openly about their feelings, which can lead to a more intimate relationship. And that is a wonderful thing. The trouble is, if a man is too effusive, it can be off-putting. Men who have spent their lives keeping their emotions under wraps might finally discover that when feelings do emerge—sometimes at the most inappropriate times—they explode.

And men have learned that those men who deviate from society’s dictates can be judged as unstable. So who can blame them for keeping their emotions to themselves? After spending a lifetime of control, they cannot suddenly be expected to share their most intimate thoughts. So have patience if you’re trying to understand how your man feels.

Nancy Travers is an Orange County Counseling professional. If you need safe, effective counseling services, please get in touch. You can reach her here: http://www.nancyscounselingcorner.com/contact-us.

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